Thursday, December 22, 2011

The endocoaster

Here is a visual of my life with endo. I regularly stop and think about where I am on the coaster. Today I am teetering on the edge ready to tip over to section 8 and the black hole below.

I thought it might be useful for my friends and family to see the insides of an endo mind during the different stages. I am also planning on writing a "what NOT to say" for each stage of the journey.
1. Start of period. “I can do this. This month I am going to reinvent myself. I am going to try something new. I will try naturopathy- that will fix it! Yes! I know it is going to be different this month!”
2. Reality sets in. Some negative thoughts creep in too. “How will this be different?”
3. “I don’t feel too bad. Maybe it is working? I will keep taking this Eye of Newt and slapping a wet fish over my head each morning. This might just be working…”
4. Ovulation pain. “Maybe if I keep busy I will pretend that my ovaries aren’t being stabbed to death with internal knives. Maybe, just maybe, if I sit down and meditate it won’t feel like I walked 100 kms this morning and now have a stich that just won’t go away…”
5. The 2 week wait. “It will be fine. No it won’t. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. It will be fine. No it won’t. It has never been fine up until now so why would it start? But I have been having all that acupuncture that will surely make a big difference…”
6. Pre-menstrual symptoms begin. “Oh great. Here we go again. Stupid lettuce only diet mustn’t have worked! Maybe I am just dreaming the symptoms up and they aren’t really symptoms and maybe the 100 vitamin tablets a day HAVE worked? Nope I am definitely irritable. Great. Here we go again. Well I hope the first and second day aren’t hell…”
7. Period starts. “I can’t freaking believe after all the stuff I have done that I still have to go through this sh*t. I just want to cut the bottom half of my body off. I know I hate taking any medication but I just want anything that will get rid of this incredible pain.
8. The tiredness sets in. “I just am not sure how much more of this crap I can go through. Why the bloody hell is this happening to me? How can I possibly put up with this sh*t for the rest of my life. Will there ever be any end to this f*cked up roller coaster I am on?”
9. The wallowing begins. (Note: section 9 is not compulsory- there is a special escape route that takes some coaster carriages from 8 straight back up to 1. The escape route is usually opened by a fortunate lack of sad songs on the radio and or a few wines with friends/family :)

After 8 it is a slow ascent up to 1 again with thoughts of what the next reinvention will be.(After all, Einstein's theory of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...) "Maybe a trip to the fortune teller this time...or a weekly massage to reduce stress...maybe I will read yet another book of contradictory advice on how to fix endo".
And so the carriage goes up again for another emotionally charged ride on the month long Endocoaster. One thing is for sure, if I ever get my hands on the person controlling this thing they are in serious dog poo!


I would love your feedback. What does your Endocoaster look like? What can people do to help you at each section along the way?