2 week wait
Waiting,
Feeling,
Thinking,
An unpleasant mixture of hopes and fears.
Waiting,
Feeling,
Thinking,
Another hour survived.
Suppressed and secretive joy at lasting an entire day.
Persistent and noxious weed like thoughts of "what if"
Attempting to pervade,
To infiltrate.
A day spent inexhaustibly spraying
The persistent creepers.
Clear recollections of the last time this path was travelled,
A dark pit of lost dreams lies ahead.
Although one more hour has just passed..
Maybe...
What if...
Waiting,
Feeling,
Overthinking.
2 week wait- part 2
The day's armour falls to the floor,
Removing with it
the mask
that has provided refuge
through a day of
emotionless meetings.
The steaming hot water
no defence
against the
cold,
lonely,
hollowness
from within.
Thoughts
of the possibility
of NEVER
leave a crumpled mess
upon the shower floor.
No more waiting
No more feeling.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
First steps to healing
After 4 long years of infertility (that's 48 monthly reminders that I am not pregnant) it is not hard to believe I have fallen into a pit lately. Allowing myself to wallow for a couple of months I have decided that it is time I started fighting like a girl to claw my way out of this sorrow-filled place of endless darkness.
Here marks my first steps to healing (well maybe not to healing but at least to getting through a day without uncontrolled waterworks).
FIRST STEPS
I have just removed all chronic baby talkers from my
newsfeed on Facebook.
This isn’t because I’m not happy for them.
I am.
It is
because I need to look after myself.
I need to stop re-bullying myself
every
day,
through contestant reminders
that I do not have my own baby
to hold
and
take pictures of
and tell the world about.
Through contestant reminders
I don’t have my own baby
who looks
so much like me
or who laughs just like it’s father.
I just need to give myself a
break
and this is
the
first
step
in doing that.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
A self infliction of sorts
I am doing it tough time this week. I know it is my own fault as I gave in to temptation and enjoyed a few glasses of red and some delicious chocolates. Knowing this though doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with. I have had a reminder this week that I need to be stronger when I don't have the pain to reduce the possibility of days like today.
Doing it tough
I don’t want sympathy or stories,
I want strength.
Give me the strength to claw my way out of this deep black
hole.
Better still,
Give me the strength to stop myself from sliding in in the
first place.
Give me the strength to believe
in possibilities,
in better days,
in the dream of the pitter-patter of little feet.
Give me the strength to disregard the feeling of letting
down the one I love,
the guilt and the regret for things I can’t provide him.
Give me the strength to have enough control to save important decisions for a better day,
And to make the right decisions on days like today.
Give me the strength to have enough control to save important decisions for a better day,
And to make the right decisions on days like today.
Give me the strength to start again next month,
to resist the temptations of trigger foods and to believe that
it is all worth it in the end.
I don’t need sympathy or stories,
I simply need strength.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
A book worth reading
I have just finished reading David Emerald’s book ‘The Power of TED* - The Empowerment Dynamic’ and am very glad that this book was recommended to me by the facilitator of a leadership course I am currently participating in.
Essentially, the Empowerment Dynamic is about changing our focus from that of the victim to that of the creator in order to make more of our lives and to reach our full potential. I found myself wearing many different hats throughout this book as I related the empowerment dynamic to my work life, my home life and my medical condition- endometriosis (and the associated infertility).
Short summary of some of the roles in TED* (It will never do the book justice but I will try…)
Victim- The role of the victim is characterised by someone who feels powerless and has experienced some loss, thwarted desire or aspiration or the death of a dream. (Eg. Feeling powerless against a bully at work, the suffering due to infertility caused by endometriosis, having endo in the first place etc)
Persecutor- The persecutor serves as the cause of the Victim’s perceived powerlessness, reinforcing the ‘poor me’ identity. (Doing an award winning job of playing this role is the Endo and infertility)
In the book Emerald outlines how we can shift our focus from that of the Victim to that of the Creator. Creator- This is the antidote to the powerless victim. A Creator greatly increases their ability to choose a response to life circumstances rather than merely reacting to them.
Challenger- Serves as an antidote to the Persecutor who provokes a reaction from a Victim, a Challenger is a catalyst for change, learning and growth for a Creator.
So, how does it work? We need to stop focussing on the problems in our lives (the endo for example) and start focusing on what we want in and of our lives. If you could have or do or be anything your heart desired right now, what would that look like? Remember to think big! (Remember also that you need to think about what you DO want not what you DON’T want. Saying- “I want to focus on not being sick” is a negative and just won’t cut it).
The next step is to think of some short achievable goals you can focus on that will help you move towards achieving your new vision. Once you have done that then you need to start taking action- get creating!
Note: The book goes in to much more detail than I have here and actually explains all the roles with great examples and even tells you how you can go about doing all the things required in each role.
My learnings from this book.
I need to look at my Endo as a challenge. It has challenged me to get creative and rethink some things. Every challenge has an opportunity for learning though and I need to take time to reflect on all the things I have learnt through having Endo. As a start I know I am a much stronger person than I thought I was and I have learnt how to look after my body and have developed a much healthier lifestyle as a result of having it. For that I am thankful. I need to really think long and hard about what I want in my life and what I can do to achieve this. I have already started down this path and am enjoying the opportunities that being a creator rather than a Victim have afforded me. Ultimately I realise I need to stop focusing on Endo as my life. It is not my life, it is not even a huge part of my life but it has wheedled its way in to being a central part of it at the moment and is absorbing all of my energy. I need to refocus and ensure that endo only gets the tiny bot of attention it should have in my life.
My advice for others.
Read this book, think big and stop sleepwalking through life in the role of the Victim. Take charge and be a creator!
Essentially, the Empowerment Dynamic is about changing our focus from that of the victim to that of the creator in order to make more of our lives and to reach our full potential. I found myself wearing many different hats throughout this book as I related the empowerment dynamic to my work life, my home life and my medical condition- endometriosis (and the associated infertility).
Short summary of some of the roles in TED* (It will never do the book justice but I will try…)
Victim- The role of the victim is characterised by someone who feels powerless and has experienced some loss, thwarted desire or aspiration or the death of a dream. (Eg. Feeling powerless against a bully at work, the suffering due to infertility caused by endometriosis, having endo in the first place etc)
Persecutor- The persecutor serves as the cause of the Victim’s perceived powerlessness, reinforcing the ‘poor me’ identity. (Doing an award winning job of playing this role is the Endo and infertility)
In the book Emerald outlines how we can shift our focus from that of the Victim to that of the Creator. Creator- This is the antidote to the powerless victim. A Creator greatly increases their ability to choose a response to life circumstances rather than merely reacting to them.
Challenger- Serves as an antidote to the Persecutor who provokes a reaction from a Victim, a Challenger is a catalyst for change, learning and growth for a Creator.
So, how does it work? We need to stop focussing on the problems in our lives (the endo for example) and start focusing on what we want in and of our lives. If you could have or do or be anything your heart desired right now, what would that look like? Remember to think big! (Remember also that you need to think about what you DO want not what you DON’T want. Saying- “I want to focus on not being sick” is a negative and just won’t cut it).
The next step is to think of some short achievable goals you can focus on that will help you move towards achieving your new vision. Once you have done that then you need to start taking action- get creating!
Note: The book goes in to much more detail than I have here and actually explains all the roles with great examples and even tells you how you can go about doing all the things required in each role.
My learnings from this book.
I need to look at my Endo as a challenge. It has challenged me to get creative and rethink some things. Every challenge has an opportunity for learning though and I need to take time to reflect on all the things I have learnt through having Endo. As a start I know I am a much stronger person than I thought I was and I have learnt how to look after my body and have developed a much healthier lifestyle as a result of having it. For that I am thankful. I need to really think long and hard about what I want in my life and what I can do to achieve this. I have already started down this path and am enjoying the opportunities that being a creator rather than a Victim have afforded me. Ultimately I realise I need to stop focusing on Endo as my life. It is not my life, it is not even a huge part of my life but it has wheedled its way in to being a central part of it at the moment and is absorbing all of my energy. I need to refocus and ensure that endo only gets the tiny bot of attention it should have in my life.
My advice for others.
Read this book, think big and stop sleepwalking through life in the role of the Victim. Take charge and be a creator!
Thanks to Kat for this very appropriate image :)
Saturday, August 18, 2012
'Helpful' tip #284: Just don't think about it!
More of my favourite advice on becoming pregnant. "Just don't think about it and it will happen."
Just don’t think about it
Just don’t think about it
You are right.
I should ignore
The megaphones connected to my ovaries
The loud speaker connected to my vagina
The amplifier connected to my uterus
The heightened sensors in my breasts.
Actually,
I think I might just go ahead
And turn them all off.
Could you please
Show me where?
'Helpful' Tip #109: It can happen!
One of the things I hate about suffering from infertility is all the 'help' and 'advice' I get.
I try not to get angry at the person saying it because they are just trying to be kind and help give me hope but I wish they realised how it made me (and other infertility sufferers) feel. I have taken to writing poetry lately as a release. (Why on earth didn't I start this earlier?)
Here is my poem on this very topic:
It CAN happen
A lady at work
Has a daughter
Who got pregnant
After her 1st round of IVF.
Really?
Yes.
Well my friend’s sister
Who is a size 12 in tops
And 10 in bottoms
And has blonde hair
With brown eyes
And was born on a Saturday
Has a dog
And she named it Tom.
Does it get my point across?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The endocoaster
Here is a visual of my life with endo. I regularly stop and think about where I am on the coaster. Today I am teetering on the edge ready to tip over to section 8 and the black hole below.
I thought it might be useful for my friends and family to see the insides of an endo mind during the different stages. I am also planning on writing a "what NOT to say" for each stage of the journey.
1. Start of period. “I can do this. This month I am going to reinvent myself. I am going to try something new. I will try naturopathy- that will fix it! Yes! I know it is going to be different this month!”
2. Reality sets in. Some negative thoughts creep in too. “How will this be different?”
3. “I don’t feel too bad. Maybe it is working? I will keep taking this Eye of Newt and slapping a wet fish over my head each morning. This might just be working…”
4. Ovulation pain. “Maybe if I keep busy I will pretend that my ovaries aren’t being stabbed to death with internal knives. Maybe, just maybe, if I sit down and meditate it won’t feel like I walked 100 kms this morning and now have a stich that just won’t go away…”
5. The 2 week wait. “It will be fine. No it won’t. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. It will be fine. No it won’t. It has never been fine up until now so why would it start? But I have been having all that acupuncture that will surely make a big difference…”
6. Pre-menstrual symptoms begin. “Oh great. Here we go again. Stupid lettuce only diet mustn’t have worked! Maybe I am just dreaming the symptoms up and they aren’t really symptoms and maybe the 100 vitamin tablets a day HAVE worked? Nope I am definitely irritable. Great. Here we go again. Well I hope the first and second day aren’t hell…”
7. Period starts. “I can’t freaking believe after all the stuff I have done that I still have to go through this sh*t. I just want to cut the bottom half of my body off. I know I hate taking any medication but I just want anything that will get rid of this incredible pain.
8. The tiredness sets in. “I just am not sure how much more of this crap I can go through. Why the bloody hell is this happening to me? How can I possibly put up with this sh*t for the rest of my life. Will there ever be any end to this f*cked up roller coaster I am on?”
9. The wallowing begins. (Note: section 9 is not compulsory- there is a special escape route that takes some coaster carriages from 8 straight back up to 1. The escape route is usually opened by a fortunate lack of sad songs on the radio and or a few wines with friends/family :)
After 8 it is a slow ascent up to 1 again with thoughts of what the next reinvention will be.(After all, Einstein's theory of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...) "Maybe a trip to the fortune teller this time...or a weekly massage to reduce stress...maybe I will read yet another book of contradictory advice on how to fix endo".
And so the carriage goes up again for another emotionally charged ride on the month long Endocoaster. One thing is for sure, if I ever get my hands on the person controlling this thing they are in serious dog poo!
I would love your feedback. What does your Endocoaster look like? What can people do to help you at each section along the way?
I thought it might be useful for my friends and family to see the insides of an endo mind during the different stages. I am also planning on writing a "what NOT to say" for each stage of the journey.
1. Start of period. “I can do this. This month I am going to reinvent myself. I am going to try something new. I will try naturopathy- that will fix it! Yes! I know it is going to be different this month!”
2. Reality sets in. Some negative thoughts creep in too. “How will this be different?”
3. “I don’t feel too bad. Maybe it is working? I will keep taking this Eye of Newt and slapping a wet fish over my head each morning. This might just be working…”
4. Ovulation pain. “Maybe if I keep busy I will pretend that my ovaries aren’t being stabbed to death with internal knives. Maybe, just maybe, if I sit down and meditate it won’t feel like I walked 100 kms this morning and now have a stich that just won’t go away…”
5. The 2 week wait. “It will be fine. No it won’t. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. It will be fine. No it won’t. It has never been fine up until now so why would it start? But I have been having all that acupuncture that will surely make a big difference…”
6. Pre-menstrual symptoms begin. “Oh great. Here we go again. Stupid lettuce only diet mustn’t have worked! Maybe I am just dreaming the symptoms up and they aren’t really symptoms and maybe the 100 vitamin tablets a day HAVE worked? Nope I am definitely irritable. Great. Here we go again. Well I hope the first and second day aren’t hell…”
7. Period starts. “I can’t freaking believe after all the stuff I have done that I still have to go through this sh*t. I just want to cut the bottom half of my body off. I know I hate taking any medication but I just want anything that will get rid of this incredible pain.
8. The tiredness sets in. “I just am not sure how much more of this crap I can go through. Why the bloody hell is this happening to me? How can I possibly put up with this sh*t for the rest of my life. Will there ever be any end to this f*cked up roller coaster I am on?”
9. The wallowing begins. (Note: section 9 is not compulsory- there is a special escape route that takes some coaster carriages from 8 straight back up to 1. The escape route is usually opened by a fortunate lack of sad songs on the radio and or a few wines with friends/family :)
After 8 it is a slow ascent up to 1 again with thoughts of what the next reinvention will be.(After all, Einstein's theory of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...) "Maybe a trip to the fortune teller this time...or a weekly massage to reduce stress...maybe I will read yet another book of contradictory advice on how to fix endo".
And so the carriage goes up again for another emotionally charged ride on the month long Endocoaster. One thing is for sure, if I ever get my hands on the person controlling this thing they are in serious dog poo!
I would love your feedback. What does your Endocoaster look like? What can people do to help you at each section along the way?
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