A self infliction of sorts

I am doing it tough time this week. I know it is my own fault as I gave in to temptation and enjoyed a few glasses of red and some delicious chocolates. Knowing this though doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with. I have had a reminder this week that I need to be stronger when I don't have the pain to reduce the possibility of days like today. 

Doing it tough

I don’t want sympathy or stories,

I want strength.

Give me the strength to claw my way out of this deep black hole.

Better still,

Give me the strength to stop myself from sliding in in the first place.

Give me the strength to believe

in possibilities,

in better days,

in the dream of the pitter-patter of little feet.

Give me the strength to disregard the feeling of letting down the one I love,

the guilt and the regret for things I can’t provide him.

Give me the strength to have enough control to save important decisions for a better day,
And to make the right decisions on days like today.

Give me the strength to start again next month,

to resist the temptations of trigger foods and to believe that it is all worth it in the end.

I don’t need sympathy or stories,

I simply need strength.

A book worth reading

I have just finished reading David Emerald’s book ‘The Power of TED* - The Empowerment Dynamic’ and am very glad that this book was recommended to me by the facilitator of a leadership course I am currently participating in.
Essentially, the Empowerment Dynamic is about changing our focus from that of the victim to that of the creator in order to make more of our lives and to reach our full potential. I found myself wearing many different hats throughout this book as I related the empowerment dynamic to my work life, my home life and my medical condition- endometriosis (and the associated infertility).

Short summary of some of the roles in TED* (It will never do the book justice but I will try…) 
Victim- The role of the victim is characterised by someone who feels powerless and has experienced some loss, thwarted desire or aspiration or the death of a dream. (Eg. Feeling powerless against a bully at work, the suffering due to infertility caused by endometriosis, having endo in the first place etc)
Persecutor- The persecutor serves as the cause of the Victim’s perceived powerlessness, reinforcing the ‘poor me’ identity. (Doing an award winning job of playing this role is the Endo and infertility)
In the book Emerald outlines how we can shift our focus from that of the Victim to that of the Creator. Creator- This is the antidote to the powerless victim. A Creator greatly increases their ability to choose a response to life circumstances rather than merely reacting to them.
Challenger- Serves as an antidote to the Persecutor who provokes a reaction from a Victim, a Challenger is a catalyst for change, learning and growth for a Creator.

So, how does it work? We need to stop focussing on the problems in our lives (the endo for example) and start focusing on what we want in and of our lives. If you could have or do or be anything your heart desired right now, what would that look like? Remember to think big! (Remember also that you need to think about what you DO want not what you DON’T want. Saying- “I want to focus on not being sick” is a negative and just won’t cut it).
The next step is to think of some short achievable goals you can focus on that will help you move towards achieving your new vision. Once you have done that then you need to start taking action- get creating!
Note: The book goes in to much more detail than I have here and actually explains all the roles with great examples and even tells you how you can go about doing all the things required in each role.

My learnings from this book. 
 I need to look at my Endo as a challenge. It has challenged me to get creative and rethink some things. Every challenge has an opportunity for learning though and I need to take time to reflect on all the things I have learnt through having Endo. As a start I know I am a much stronger person than I thought I was and I have learnt how to look after my body and have developed a much healthier lifestyle as a result of having it. For that I am thankful. I need to really think long and hard about what I want in my life and what I can do to achieve this. I have already started down this path and am enjoying the opportunities that being a creator rather than a Victim have afforded me. Ultimately I realise I need to stop focusing on Endo as my life. It is not my life, it is not even a huge part of my life but it has wheedled its way in to being a central part of it at the moment and is absorbing all of my energy. I need to refocus and ensure that endo only gets the tiny bot of attention it should have in my life.

My advice for others.
Read this book, think big and stop sleepwalking through life in the role of the Victim. Take charge and be a creator!

Thanks to Kat for this very appropriate image :)

'Helpful' tip #284: Just don't think about it!

More of my favourite advice on becoming pregnant. "Just don't think about it and it will happen."

Just don’t think about it

You are right.

I should ignore

The megaphones connected to my ovaries

The loud speaker connected to my vagina

The amplifier connected to my uterus

The heightened sensors in my breasts.

Actually,

I think I might just go ahead

And turn them all off.

Could you please

Show me where?

'Helpful' Tip #109: It can happen!

One of the things I hate about suffering from infertility is all the 'help' and 'advice' I get. I try not to get angry at the person saying it because they are just trying to be kind and help give me hope but I wish they realised how it made me (and other infertility sufferers) feel. I have taken to writing poetry lately as a release. (Why on earth didn't I start this earlier?) Here is my poem on this very topic:

It CAN happen

A lady at work

Has a daughter

Who got pregnant

After her 1st round of IVF.

Really?

Yes.

Well my friend’s sister

Who is a size 12 in tops

And 10 in bottoms

And has blonde hair

With brown eyes

And was born on a Saturday

Has a dog

And she named it Tom.

Does it get my point across?

The endocoaster

Here is a visual of my life with endo. I regularly stop and think about where I am on the coaster. Today I am teetering on the edge ready to tip over to section 8 and the black hole below.

I thought it might be useful for my friends and family to see the insides of an endo mind during the different stages. I am also planning on writing a "what NOT to say" for each stage of the journey.
1. Start of period. “I can do this. This month I am going to reinvent myself. I am going to try something new. I will try naturopathy- that will fix it! Yes! I know it is going to be different this month!”
2. Reality sets in. Some negative thoughts creep in too. “How will this be different?”
3. “I don’t feel too bad. Maybe it is working? I will keep taking this Eye of Newt and slapping a wet fish over my head each morning. This might just be working…”
4. Ovulation pain. “Maybe if I keep busy I will pretend that my ovaries aren’t being stabbed to death with internal knives. Maybe, just maybe, if I sit down and meditate it won’t feel like I walked 100 kms this morning and now have a stich that just won’t go away…”
5. The 2 week wait. “It will be fine. No it won’t. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. I will stop thinking about it. It will be fine. No it won’t. It has never been fine up until now so why would it start? But I have been having all that acupuncture that will surely make a big difference…”
6. Pre-menstrual symptoms begin. “Oh great. Here we go again. Stupid lettuce only diet mustn’t have worked! Maybe I am just dreaming the symptoms up and they aren’t really symptoms and maybe the 100 vitamin tablets a day HAVE worked? Nope I am definitely irritable. Great. Here we go again. Well I hope the first and second day aren’t hell…”
7. Period starts. “I can’t freaking believe after all the stuff I have done that I still have to go through this sh*t. I just want to cut the bottom half of my body off. I know I hate taking any medication but I just want anything that will get rid of this incredible pain.
8. The tiredness sets in. “I just am not sure how much more of this crap I can go through. Why the bloody hell is this happening to me? How can I possibly put up with this sh*t for the rest of my life. Will there ever be any end to this f*cked up roller coaster I am on?”
9. The wallowing begins. (Note: section 9 is not compulsory- there is a special escape route that takes some coaster carriages from 8 straight back up to 1. The escape route is usually opened by a fortunate lack of sad songs on the radio and or a few wines with friends/family :)

After 8 it is a slow ascent up to 1 again with thoughts of what the next reinvention will be.(After all, Einstein's theory of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...) "Maybe a trip to the fortune teller this time...or a weekly massage to reduce stress...maybe I will read yet another book of contradictory advice on how to fix endo".
And so the carriage goes up again for another emotionally charged ride on the month long Endocoaster. One thing is for sure, if I ever get my hands on the person controlling this thing they are in serious dog poo!


I would love your feedback. What does your Endocoaster look like? What can people do to help you at each section along the way?

My endo recipe book

When I finally decided I had to get serious about attacking this stupid endo I found myself lost in a world of "you cant's..." Can't eat that, can't eat this... etc etc.
I craved a mentor or a bible that I could refer to to point me in the right direction. Something I could use a point of reference to get me started. I couldn't find any books that had realistic recipes for real mums with the real families that also needed to be fed.
So, I started creating this endo recipe book to serve just that purpose.
Click here to access the book (hopefully it works this time) - remember it is not finished yet!!!
I would love your thoughts/feedback or any recipes etc you would be happy to add to it.

Converting others to my endo diet 'religion'

I recently read a blogpost titled: Is “Eating Healthy” like a new form of religion? Do we have to “believe” to get it? Are we just strange for doing it?
This article was focussed on the strange sensation one goes through when they 'see the light' on how changing your diet can positively impact your health and how you feel as if you are converting other people to a new religion when you try and spread the word about it. I nodded my head in agreement the entire way through reading this article as it really encompassed exactly how I have felt since I myself 'saw the light'.

How I came to see the light
In December 2010, after being told that my only real chance of falling pregnant was with IVF, I decided that I needed to take charge of what was happening with my body. I was not about to sit back and accept an unnatural (not to mention unconventionally expensive both financially and emotionally) method of conception. I felt I had to exhaust all avenues BEFORE turning to what I consider to be a last resort (not a first resort as believed by many doctors). I went and saw a naturopath/nutritionist who specialises in infertility. She asked me many questions about my current lifestyle, eating habits etc. She then explained what she believed I needed to do- I needed to follow a wheat/dairy/alcohol/potato free diet. I also needed to increase my consumption of nuts and vegies and turn to more natural foods in general. I commenced the wheat/alcohol free part of the diet immediately and after 3 days of withdrawals I sprung out of bed on the fourth day full of energy ready to take anything on. I couldn’t believe the huge hit of energy I gained just 1 week after cutting wheat from my diet. I also discovered after just 4 days of being on the diet that my permanent bloating had also gone- I realised that it is actually possible to eat a meal, feel full and NOT be bloated. This was a huge breakthrough for me!

Culling dairy from the diet
After 1 month on the wheat/alcohol free diet (with a slightly reduced intake of dairy) I continued to suffer knife stabbing pain with my period. Curled up on the couch in the foetal position I decided it was time to get serious. If I didn’t want to continue to put up with this then I had to do something about...say goodbye to the dairy for real. From that day forward I stopped all bovine dairy (except Greek style yoghurt as this was permitted by my naturopath). The change was again amazing. I felt even more energetic and lost weight as an added bonus! I found it much easier to cut dairy out of my diet this month as I read the amazing book “Endometriosis: A guide t healing and fertility through nutrition.” In this book Dianne the author explains that dairy is inflammatory to the endo and so contributes to the pain each month.

Converting others to my new religion
My naturopath said that the endo diet would probably take 3 months to take full effect on my period but for me it actually took 4 (probably because I wasn’t committed to the dairy from the start). I am not complaining though!! After following the diet for 4 months I had the first period in years that didn’t require ANY pain relief. I wasn’t completely pain free- I still did have pain- but it was nowhere near the levels I had previously experienced. The other hugely noticeable difference was how light it was (and has been ever since). I came to realise very quickly that there are no down sides to this diet- why isn’t everyone else following it? You get to feel awake, energetic and ‘light’, not have to worry about being knocked out with pain every period AND lose weight. I needed to let everyone know about this. Short of standing on a soap box down the mall with a megaphone I have tried to convert as many people as I can to this religion. To me it is insane- why isn’t everyone doing this? Why are we wasting millions of dollars every year on tablets and doctors visits when we could all be feeling this good? I have found that I even get super frustrated with other people now when I have friends saying how sluggish they always feel and how high their blood pressure is etc while they are sitting there eating a cheese laden deep fried parmagiana drinking a can of soft drink. I often think “can’t these people see the obvious?!”
However, just as mention in the article, when I try and offer snippets of my ‘religion’ I often get told that my diet is ‘insanely healthy’ or ‘ridiculously healthy’ as if it is ME who is the basketcase!
Oh well, I have seen the light and I shall follow it to the end...I will try and ‘save’ as many other people as I can along the way but I cannot force others to see what I now see as the bleeding obvious- your body puts out what it gets in. Junk in = junk out. Hallelujah to my naturopath for converting me and why on earth didn’t I see this light earlier?