Two week wait

2 week wait

Waiting,
Feeling,
Thinking,
An unpleasant mixture of hopes and fears.

Waiting,
Feeling,
Thinking,
Another hour survived.
Suppressed and secretive joy at lasting an entire day.
Persistent and noxious weed like thoughts of "what if"
Attempting to pervade,
To infiltrate.

A day spent inexhaustibly spraying
The persistent creepers.
Clear recollections of the last time this path was travelled,
A dark pit of lost dreams lies ahead.
Although one more hour has just passed..
Maybe...
What if...

Waiting,
Feeling,
Overthinking.


2 week wait- part 2
The day's armour falls to the floor,
Removing with it
the mask
that has provided refuge
through a day of
emotionless meetings.
The steaming hot water
no defence
against the
cold,
lonely,
hollowness
from within.

Thoughts
of the possibility
of NEVER
leave a crumpled mess
upon the shower floor.

No more waiting
No more feeling.

First steps to healing

After 4 long years of infertility (that's 48 monthly reminders that I am not pregnant) it is not hard to believe I have fallen into a pit lately. Allowing myself to wallow for a couple of months I have decided that it is time I started fighting like a girl to claw my way out of this sorrow-filled place of endless darkness. 

Here marks my first steps to healing (well maybe not to healing but at least to getting through a day without uncontrolled waterworks).

FIRST STEPS

I have just removed all chronic baby talkers from my newsfeed on Facebook. 

This isn’t because I’m not happy for them. 

I am. 

It is because I need to look after myself. 

I need to stop re-bullying myself 

every day, 

through contestant reminders 

that I do not have my own baby 

to hold 

and take pictures of 

and tell the world about. 

Through contestant reminders 

I don’t have my own baby 

who looks so much like me 

or who laughs just like it’s father. 

I just need to give myself a break 

and this is 

the 

first 

step 

in doing that.